Head Held High
by karensmith
Summary: After 411 and before 412 MerDer. Based on Shonda's words that Meredith get her act together. How I'd like to see that happen.


AN: I had to get this out before the new episodes come out. The spoilers had me thinking I should be happy getting what I wanted, but I really wasn't because of how it all sounded like it was Meredith's doing. This is how I hope she gets her act together and that he does so also.

* * *

I had heard the rumors, the quiet whispers and the worry in their voices and this was in my own house. I hadn't even gotten to the hospital yet.

As I slowly emerged down the stairs the hushed voices George, Izzy, Alex, Cristina and even my sister Lexie congregating in the kitchen whispering about Derek seen leaving the hospital last night with a scrub nurse. His scrub nurse, the one he was kissing but failed to tell me. I wondered if Alex's Jane Doe was in there, or Callie. May be they called a hospital board meeting with the Chief. Living on Derek's land in a house away from the frat school world looked better each day. However, I knew it wasn't going to come anytime soon.

I can't trust anyone he says. Like he has no role in that, it's my fault I can't trust him. He doesn't understand that I always find out about him having a wife or now a nurse from everyone but him. Yet it's my fault I can't trust him. He tells me he wants to marry me, but heck if someone better comes along I'm not worth waiting around for. Some love of his life. He's always good at words, always good and the whole McDreamy look and making me melt.

Well no more, he wanted me to grow. This is me growing and me growing means no more lies, no more empty words. He wants his perfect little house with his yes woman nurse. He can have her. Hopefully this strong mentality I have going on right now is still in tact when I reach the hospital and have to see him for myself.

I decide to just leave the house without facing the stares I knew were waiting for me in the kitchen. I didn't need a posse today, I didn't need back up to help me when I walked in. I was going to do this on my own with my head held high.

Get in the car..check

Drive to the hospital…check.

Walk into the hospital...check.

Get on the elevator….check.

What I didn't anticipate on was the cosmic universe laughing at me. Of course he'd have to be in the elevator, bracing against the back wall. I froze my face to look indifferent as I turned and faced the doors. Willing the elevator to speed up and open.

I knew he was staring at me. I didn't care. I didn't care that his eyes were red. I didn't care that he didn't shave. I didn't care that he looked tired and beaten down.

I didn't care. I didn't care. I didn't care.

"Mere..." he whispered. A haunting and hurting tone emerged from him. One I never heard before. One that cracked the hard stance I had forced my heart to take. I refused to turn around and look at him.

"Please…" he whispered again. I couldn't do this, I couldn't be strong and grown whatever Meredith if he was going to do this to me. I forcefully jammed the emergency stop button halting the elevator in its tracks in between the 3rd and fourth floors.

"Stop!" I hissed to him as I turned around. My eyes were angry and he looked taken back at the fact I was angry. Of course according to him, everything under the sun that has gone wrong in our relationship was my doing so of course he'd be shocked that I was angry at him.

"Stop, doing this to me. You say you love me, you say you want to marry me, you have the nerve to tell me I'm the love of your life." I laugh in a sarcastic disbelieving way that just makes him look even more shocked. "Then you go around kissing nurses and going on dates with them, then you have the nerve to play this I'm so sad, poor Derek routine?" I was yelling now, very loudly and I'm pretty sure those on the 3rd and 4th floors can year what I was saying.

"I can trust people fine Derek. It's you" I emphasize by jabbing my finger in his chest, "that I cannot trust and you want to know why? Because you give me no reasons to. We weren't dating other people Derek. YOU were dating other people, you said things and then waiting for me wasn't worth it to you. Waiting for the so called love of your life wasn't worth it to you. I was just being a fool, slowly getting myself together thinking you loved me enough to still be there when I was ready."

I whispered the last part, willing the tears that were in my eyes not to fall. Not for him to see how he once again broke me.

"You are just like my parents. Nothing nothing I do was ever good enough for my mother, and nothing I do is ever good enough for you. I begged you to pick me, to love me and that wasn't enough for you. My father said he loved me and then left because it was easier that fighting for me, it was easier to go off and start a brand new perfect family. You said you loved me, but the perfect nurse comes along to give you what you want now and you're gone. Shoving house plans in my face as a way to play a game to get me to leave you so you can be the good guy that tried. You know what was the funny thing Derek? I wanted the house, I was willing to take the steps to build it with you. I just wasn't worth taking the steps for. You want everything to be my fault Derek? Okay. I'm sorry you lied to me about your wife. I'm sorry you left her for me. I'm sorry you kissed the nurse and lied about it. I'm sorry you flirted with my sister. It's my entire fault and I'm sorry" I bitterly tell him, his eyes harden and he knows I'm being sarcastic and he knows now that not everything is my fault and I won't stand for him treating it as such.

"You are, you..." his broken voice begins to speak. Tears in his own eyes he's trying to hold back. But I keep going and I don't want to hear more of his empty words. I can tell his date didn't go well. I can tell he was having doubts now. I can tell Rose the nurse wasn't all she was cracked up to being now, but I wasn't ready to hear his empty apologies.

It was time for Derek Shepherd to grow and get his own life together. It was time for him to deal with the consequences of his actions. He wanted to have a nurse who can give him what he wants now, and then he needed to live with that decision until he realized what he was doing. He needed to realize and figure out if I was enough, whether I was ready to marry him now or not.

"Stop it. No more of your lies, no more of your empty words of love and always showing up. You're a liar and you don't mean the things you say. You know what I deserve Derek? I deserve a man that loves me, just me. Whether I am ready to marry him tomorrow, 2 weeks from now or 2 years from now. He just loves me, for me and wants to marry me. I deserve a man who will show up when he says he will. You, you deserve your perfect nurse who can give you what you want now and fits into your little schedule and I hope you're very very happy with her. "

I finish turning again to push back in the emergency stop button, the elevator slowly coming to life again as he stands there looking at me. The words lost on him, he doesn't know what to say as he stands there processing all that I have spoken. Before he can even begin an apology or a defense, the doors open and I quickly step off before he can grab me and hold me close.

"Good day Dr. Shepherd." I call out behind me with a tone I knew I used to hear my mother use. It was her professional, cold, distant tone. The one she used when she didn't want to get to personal.

As I walk towards the resident's locker room I see her waiting for him to step off. She looks at him with her goo-goo eyes, not even registering that he looks beat and hurt. Not even seeing the slouch in his step and the normal Derek Shepherd confidant walk is gone. I shake my head slowly in sorrow that this is what he wanted, someone who didn't know him. Didn't care really about him, but just what she could provide for him this second.

I can't let my resolve weaken. I know one day it will, he'll show up and change and say he was sorry. I know I'd give in and agree we need to be together. I can't imagine a future without him and I know he loves me. He just needs to grow too, he needs to evolve. When that happens, when we're both in the same place. I know we'll be together for good and we'll be a force to reckon with. We just needed to get there and we can't get there together.

"Good luck , he's all yours." I calmly tell the candy eating nurse standing by the nurses desk as I walk right passed her. "For now" I mutter under my own breath. Not turning around to see Derek staring at my retreating back, but knowing that his eyes were watching me. Knowing her eyes were on him watching me. He now knew he was now going to have to work his ass off to even get close to me building any house with him. He now knew that the Meredith Grey that he had to chase was back.

Head held high and sly smile on my face. The real me was coming back. I was growing.


End file.
